Sunday, December 31, 2006

papa - ambivalence

papa,
there are so many things i like and respect from you, and also things that i dislike and do not expect from you.
i might not be mature enough, you might say, but this is definitely not a thought of an immature young boy anymore. it's been 10 years back and i've been thinking and feeling about this a great deal, with doubts and also with shocks.
thinking about you is always an inevitably ambivalent experience for me.
so much love for your sacrifice and patience.
and so much.. the so-called "disturbance" i felt..
there're always generation-gaps, but i believe we are somewhat very different. kind of different worlds. isnt it because of years we are apart from each other? or isnt it because of the beginning and the nature of things?
hmmz, when u're away at sea, i always have two feelings with me: hoping u're be back soon to gather with mom and i in a cosy, happy dinner, and also another thought: the inevitable coming "disturbance" feeling when u're around.
$ is so important, but not the most important (i always hope i'll be able to study and work as hard as u could to support our family and my own future family..) however i do care more for the feelings.
this is weird and and funny when i think about your family back-ground and "my family back-ground". so much different from the beginning but how funny and contradictory our response to present life turned out to be. hope that i can clarify with u this little thing some time.. it's just about differences.
haha... sometimes i wished i were Clark Kent and you were that superman's father. how ideal it would be!
wish u all the best, my papa.
with love,
son.